Try it on ... but keep the receipt

As I approach an age where many women ponder tying the proverbial knot for a second, even a third, time, I begin to question the merits of remarriage. Long gone are those youthful fantasies—of walking down the aisle in a flowing white gown and a pretty tulle veil; the perfect Tiffany diamond engagement ring and matching wedding band; the entire family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends all celebrating you on your special day. Gone, too, is the fairy-tale notion of marriage promoted by parents, the media and society as a whole.

After years of marital experience, an unhappy union, children, separation and divorce, many women find themselves reeling, alone in mid life. Although I find myself in a similar place, I see it differently. It took some soul searching and some self-coaching, but I came to realize that I am on my own, not alone. That I have the freedom to chose what’s right for me, to own my life. So I spent a summer and the following winter putting this realization into practice: traveling, preparing dinners for one, yoga by the ocean at sunset, nights out with my gal pals watching chick flicks. 

Then, without even trying, I met a man. We took long beach walks, met for espresso, texted, and texted some more. Despite my negative attitude to dating, I had to admit we had a connection. Ironically, he was as eager to leap into a relationship as I was to put on the brakes and head for upcountry! To ease my anxiety, he’d tell me not to think of it as a long-term commitment. “We are just spending the day together, and then the next, and the next…” Persistent and patient, he has somehow managed to sustain an ongoing relationship with me day after day, week after week, month after month.

We often go to the beach together, where I’ve watched, fascinated, as bridal consultants carefully arrange Hawaiian flowers into a giant lei on the sand, the unbroken circle a Hawaiian symbol for eternal commitment and devotion. (The couple stands inside the circle for the ceremony.) I’ve witnessed brides in long gowns with trains sweeping up sand like dust brooms, brides in short white sundresses with fragrant gardenias woven into their hair, brides in white bikinis, flip-flops and short veils, their makeup melting in the hot sun, march onto the beach to say “I do.”

As I cogitated on the prospect of marriage again, my “warden” (as I jokingly refer to him to friends) asked me to accompany him to Tommy Bahama. When he loads a fitting room with armfuls of shirts, shorts and t-shirts, I tell myself to prepare for a long session. Fortunately, there are comfortable bench seats with upholstered cushions—a much better spot than the beach, I think, for a couple to make important decisions. After a twenty-minute fashion show, the store manager takes pity on me and offers me a glass of lemonade in a Tommy Bahama crystal glass and a Honolulu Cookie Company pineapple-shaped cookie. Ah … sustenance and a little refreshment! More shirts, more shorts… and my opinion on every article in the “yes” pile.

After more than two hours of this, something begins to occur to me. Why buy something when all the fun is in trying it on? And why worry if the purchase doesn’t work out? Simply return it. It’s so uncomplicated that way. At Tommy Bahama, you can return an item for credit, money back or a trade in for something else. What a novel concept that would be in second-time-around marriage!

It’s not that I am necessarily against the whole “I do” redux. It’s just that it may be way more fun to try it on. But if I should buy it, I’ll make sure to keep the receipt!